\blog\entry\absence.txt
date: feb. 19, 2025 | time: 9:38am | mood: tired
haven't updated in almost a month... hello everyone
i've grown super detached from the "doc" persona, so i might overhaul the way this blog looks... for now, i'll keep it like this lol... a lot of things happened, such as me being a lot more subsceptible to nausea, getting back w/ my ex [as friends], and getting a new fp... as well as just, idk. living? i've been struggling a lot with myself and who i am, though i've simply grown to accept that i am a very inconsistent person. i've joined and left a lot of spaces, gotten into new things, and so on...
life's a bitch then you die, really. i've been forgetting about this site and it makes me sad... i swear i'll update it at some point, not sure with what, though...
today's song is rotten apple juice by bye2.
signed,
doc
\blog\entry\consequence.txt
date: jan. 22, 2025 | time: 11:44am | mood: ???
there is nothing worth logging today.
all you're getting, a drawing of the consequences of my own frantic thoughts.
today's song is all is well by deuteronomy.
signed,
doc
\blog\entry\blood.txt
date: jan. 7, 2025 | time: 10:22am | mood: spiteful
i started thinking about some ex friends from the incredibox community and how they discarded me due to a sheer lack of patience [as well as other factors, duh]. i blocked most of them already!!! except for one... that one can stay... for now.
one day they'll see their own community fall apart with nowhere else to go... how sad, how pitiful... hm... perhaps they'll get desperate enough to seek refuge with me... or in the same space that i exist... hm... thinking about it makes me feel a bit better, but only barely.
if any of you see this, kindly greet the bird of blood in my stead. i'm sure she would love to hear from me, or about me. ::)
today's song is noise by imogen heap.
signed,
doc
\blog\entry\warp.txt
date: dec. 30, 2024 | time: 2:22pm | mood: don't know
got back into devi's music yesterday. forgot now hard it hits.
i have nothing to add. there isn't anything worth logging.
she refuses to leave.
today's song is the tender surrender by EAT BABIES? [devi mccallion].
signed,
doc
\blog\entry\peace.txt
date: dec. 21, 2024 | time: 5:20pm | mood: calm and collected
i think about andrew black's stuff a lot. sure, i only watch his reels and listen to the audio in those clips due to a discerning lack of, as well as hatred for spotify, but his music resonates with me on a deeply personal level. it makes me feel... at peace. same with james burns @robinsonsvillage, it's still just the reels but it still resonates with me. i particularly enjoy "by burning this".
in times like these i wish i had the resources to make tape loops... there's so many things about them that are just... so nice. the wobbliness, the rougher texture of the sound, idk,,, it's all just so beautiful. i did tell my mom about the op1 but we can't afford it due to it being very expensive... maybe we'll find a second hand op1? maybe we'll just... not buy anything. i dunno.
been thinking about her again, still a very mixed bag, but mostly soft warm thoughts that make me tear up.
today's song is this reel by andrew black.
signed,
doc
\blog\entry\today.txt
date: dec. 16, 2024 | time: 10:41am | mood: eh?
today i picked up godot engine. it isn't as difficult as i expected it to be, maybe it'll be relatively easy to learn so i can finally make games, and hopefully in turn make money from games. i created a very crappy platformer prototype as a form of practice. it's... well. very fucking basic. but hopefully i can eventually expand further on this so that it can become something... idk? something better.
i'm also going to be including a new piece to this blog, being "today's song". my livelihood is deeply tied to music and i think it'd be nice to include that in my blogposts. i have nothing else to add.
also i made today's blogpost entry on firefox lol. isn't that cool.
today's song is zheani - i'm an angel why am i on my knees.
signed,
doc
\blog\entry\pedal.txt
date: dec. 13, 2024 | time: 10:41am | mood: okay
there's something about guitar pedals that is just so fascinating to me. with the right equipment you can make something truly beautiful, be it a hard guitar riff or a feedback loop. i'm particularly keen on feedback loops after watching em essex's pedal feedback videos, as well as their pedal rig rundown. listening to aliases like deuteronomy also helped shape my love for these.
often times i wish i had the hardware, or at the very least the capacity to make feedback loops digitally. i asked a friend who's very knowledgeable on modular synths, but he couldn't give me much unfortunately. i suppose i'll have to make do with multiple delay effects.
i love pedal feedback. i really wish i could use it for something. it seems like such a fun thing to mess with. i thank msx for indirectly enlightening me about this stuff.
signed,
doc
\blog\entry\missing.txt
date: dec. 7, 2024 | time: 5:13pm | mood: nauseous, unstable
i feel horrible. i keep thinking about her and i hate it so much. so so so so so much. it makes me physically sick. she didn't even do anything wrong, why does my brain make her out to be so horrible? is it because i feel betrayed? i haven't talked to her in months, simply seeing her makes me feel incredibly fucking ill.
i fucking hate living with bpd. having yourself be so emotionally attached to someone who doesn't even fucking care about you anymore is horrid. it tears away at your heart and it tears away at your brain and it tears away at your everything. i wouldn't wish this upon anybody. i can tolerate the mood swings, the splitting, the explosive anger, but the unhealthy emotional attachment to a person that no longer loves you? fucking awful and it makes me want to kill myself.
i wish i wouldn't have messed up but still experienced these changes. i am incredibly happy to feel more like me now, but at the same time i genuinely miss my ex, even though i have numerous other negative feelings about her. i hate it so much. genuinely.
i'm off.
doc
\blog\entry\activity.txt
date: dec. 4, 2024 | time: 2:39pm | mood: tired
i tried messing around in blender again; i got a bunch of dandy's world character models off of the roblox model marketplace. some are bugged texture-wise, but that's ok, they work otherwise... except for when you try to rig them. the mesh just breaks!!!! it sucks!!!!
i made a weird spiky pipe thing as blender practice... it kind of sucks, but it's not like i put much effort into it anyway. all of this is tiring me out, i'm not sure why i feel so exhausted despite not doing much today.
hopefully the rest of the day will be better - i at least managed to clear out my pc a little, including my FLPs; i deleted old ones and also deleted all the backups because they tend to be massive. i don't know what i want to do for the rest of the day, maybe i'll lay in bed and draw something... and pray inspiration hits me...
signed,
doc
\blog\entry\evening.txt
date: dec. 1, 2024 | time: 7:57pm | mood: neutral
today started off horribly, with my main instagram account being falsely suspended and me having no way of reinstating it without using my mom's id, because mine refuses to register. [why does meta force you to use your id to appeal anyway? that's stupid.]
however, the rest of the day went rather well. i played dandy's world with my friends and worked a bit on the script for that one commentary video again. it's a bit weird how these days the only thing i've played was dandy's world. probably because barely any games strike my fancy.
i also did some developer work for collective unconscious today. made some nice pictures for an event, very happy with them. i've got to make more so that i can then call my world done. it'll take a while for sure, because i'm burnt out, unmotivated, and lack ideas.
signed,
doc
\blog\entry\hello.txt
date: dec. 1, 2024 | time: 1:10am | mood: nothing
finally set up a simple blog. i feel rather happy about it. i probably should have only left it linked on my site map, but oh well, people can now see my rambles and probably laugh in their chairs.
i do not care so long as i'm not directly targeted.
i just need a private little space to pour my thoughts onto, aside from a discord server made specifically for journaling my thoughts and various events. feels better this way. plus, what's a webspace without a blog?
good night,
doc